


Charade

by Columbidae (Axolotl)



Series: Trans Victuuri [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Comfort, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miscommunication, Oral Sex, Trans Character, Trans Katsuki Yuuri, Trans Male Character, fake orgasms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 14:36:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13033239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Axolotl/pseuds/Columbidae
Summary: Victor’s body was perfect – Victor’s body wasright.It was how it was supposed to look.  What Yuuri had wasn’t right.  It wasn’t perfect.  It was wrong.In which Victor offers to go down on his boyfriend, Yuuri gets dysphoric, and miscommunication and hurt feelings ensue.





	Charade

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote another trans!Yuuri fic because I guess this is just what I'm about now.
> 
> One shot for now, but I may add another chapter later with sex stuff, if I'm ever feeling up to it, so rating may change.

“You don’t have to,” Yuuri said for what must have been the fifth time that evening.

Victor’s eyes glanced up at his boyfriend, lips still pressed to the slight softness of his belly. “I told you.” He smiled. His hands put gentle pressure on Yuuri’s thighs, spreading them wider. “I want to make you feel good.”

“Right…” Yuuri swallowed, took a deep breath and tried to relax. Closing his eyes, he tried to control his ragged breathing as Victor’s lips trailed lower and lower.

Victor had offered to do this. Yuuri didn’t doubt his intentions; He truly did want to make him to feel good, that was just the kind of lover he was. But Yuuri could not fathom why anyone would want to be so… _close_ to what he had down there. It was something he’d spent his whole life trying to ignore, even while it was a constant source of dysphoria. It was something Victor, of all people, must have been working hard to ignore as well, in order to continue dating Yuuri.

There was no possible way Victor could enjoy this. The night prior, Yuuri had mustered up the courage to suck him off, but that was different. Yuuri _liked_ it. Yuuri wanted to see and touch and taste every part of Victor. Victor’s body was perfect – Victor’s body was _right._ It was how it was supposed to look. What Yuuri had wasn’t right. It wasn’t perfect. It was wrong. 

Yuuri knew this was likely a way to repay him for what he’d done for Victor the other night, and the guilt nagged at him. But Victor had asked so nicely if he could, despite Yuuri’s assurances that it wasn’t necessary. Because that was just the kind of lover Victor was.

“Alright?”

Yuuri looked back down and – _oh_ – he was right there, lying between Yuuri’s thighs with his face so close. It was panic-inducing, but Yuuri steadied himself and nodded.

Victor paused, eyes searching Yuuri’s face, and Yuuri knew that look. It was how he looked before trying any new thing with Yuuri in bed, when he was waiting for either consent or protest. But there was something else in his expression that, while rare for the great Victor Nikiforov, Yuuri had come to recognize: Nervousness. He looked down at Yuuri’s clit with a sort of unsureness, hesitation.

_Reluctance._

But before Yuuri could say anything, Victor had schooled his expression into his usual “bedroom eyes.” His eyelids fluttered closed as he turned his head to kiss the inside of Yuuri’s thigh, drawing a line with his lips across his skin, inward, inward. 

Guilt mixed with anxiety and dread, all culminating into a burst of panic as he felt the flick of a tongue on his clit. It didn’t feel good – Not like the other times Victor had convinced him to let him touch this part of him. It wasn’t that it hurt or felt bad, but with his mind so full of anxiousness, all Yuuri could feel was a detached sort of sensory input. He felt touch, but no pleasure. Worry stomped down any pleasure that should have been felt.

He could just tell Victor to stop. He knew Victor would not go on another second if he said “no,” but he knew how disappointed that would make his boyfriend. Victor had wanted to do this for him. He wanted to feel like he was giving back. But this was a chore, for the both of them, and it wasn’t going to end with an orgasm any time soon.

Victor paused what he was doing and lifted his head. “This alright?” he asked once again. 

Yuuri blinked down at him, a little startled. He hadn’t realized how tense he was. Willing his muscles to relax, he spread his legs a bit more and tried his best to look aroused, slipping into a facsimile of his Eros persona, and he nodded. “Don’t stop.”

There was a spark of eagerness in Victor’s gaze before he went back to work. _Probably,_ Yuuri rationalized, _because he thinks we’re getting somewhere now, and it’ll be over soon. I shouldn’t drag this on much longer._

Yuuri tried hard not to focus on the feeling of the tongue on him, and instead focused his mind on his own performance. He let out a low moan, stretched his arms above his head and gripped the pillows. He felt his cheeks heat up with embarrassment – The way they often did when he lied about anything – but luckily a blush was far from out of place during sex. “Like that, Vitya…”

Victor’s hands gripped onto Yuuri’s thighs, causing the briefest flicker of pleasure, but Yuuri ignored it.

“Fuck,” his voice cracked, but he hoped it sounded more aroused than nervous. Arching his back, he began to pant and moan in a way he thought, with some amount of small, detached pride, sounded convincing. Distantly, he noted that Victor was inserting a finger into him and moving it. Yuuri responded with another moan, a string of breathy _yes_ es and other sounds of pleasure. All the while, feeling nothing.

But while he wasn’t getting into the actual sex, he was getting surprisingly into his act. He gripped at his pillows, pulling them down to his sides, and his legs squirmed just the tiniest bit. Eventually, he decided it’d been long enough. Victor shouldn’t be left to suffer any more of this. Taking in deeper breaths, he arched off the bed, tensed his muscles, and let out a low groan, faking an orgasm before flopping back down onto the bed.

With it finally over, he began to relax – At least, until he looked down and saw Victor, propped up on an elbow, chin in hand and frowning at him. He looked… Upset.

Yuuri did nothing but blink for a moment, confused. His ears were beginning to burn. “Victor…?”

“You’re a terrible actor.”

“What? I-I –!”

But before Yuuri could respond, Victor was sitting up, climbing out of bed to make his way toward the en suite bathroom of their hotel room. Yuuri wanted to follow, but he was rooted in place by his own shame. The sound of a faucet running could be heard, followed by a pause. Pulling a blanket over his lap – as if to hide his shame – Yuuri waited for him to return.

When Victor came back, he didn’t look at Yuuri. The pajama pants he’d discarded in the bathroom nearly an hour ago were back on him. When he sat on the edge of the bed, Yuuri saw his shoulders tense, then sag.

“… That bad, huh?” Victor asked at length.

“No – Victor…” Yuuri edged closer, but Victor wouldn’t face him. The scowl on his face would have read as angry to anyone who didn’t know him, but Yuuri could see through it. It wasn’t aggression. His feelings were just hurt.

 _God,_ how did Yuuri fuck this up so badly?

“You know, I…” Victor ran a hand through his hair. “I told you, you need to tell me what you like. If I was doing something wrong I need you to tell me, Yuuri. I’m not… I don’t know what I’m…” He made a vague motion with his hands, as if that would finish the sentence for him. Yuuri looked down, pulling his knees up to his chest.

“You didn’t do anything wrong…”

Victor went quiet, trying to collect himself. A heavy silence fell over them. After a moment, he sighed and crawled over to his side of the bed, flicking the bedside light off and plunging them into darkness.

Yuuri didn’t know what to say to fix this. _Sorry, sweetie, I was trying to spare your feelings?_ Well, a fine job he’d done of that. Now Victor was upset; His ego had taken a blow, he’d wasted his time with that – that _thing_ Yuuri had between his legs for nothing. Yuuri didn’t blame him for being unhappy.

With his back to Yuuri, Victor eventually spoke again. This time, his tone sounded a bit more level.

“I wish you’d told me you didn’t want it.”

Yuuri looked down at his boyfriend’s back, silhouetted by moonlight from the window.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. After a moment, he slid down to lie behind Victor, close but not quite touching.

“I stopped about half way through that ‘orgasm’ of yours and you just kept going, like you didn’t even notice.”

Yuuri blushed, ashamed. “Oh…”

Victor tugged the duvet up over his shoulder. When he spoke again, his voice was small, vulnerable. “… Am I really that bad at it?”

“What? No, Vitya, that’s not—It wasn’t that…” Yuuri sighed, reaching out a hand to touch Victor’s hair.

“Because that was my first time… doing that, with one of those, and I…” Victor’s voice became muffled as he turned his face into his pillow. “I was afraid I’d be awful at it… I guess I was.”

Yuuri felt a stab of guilt through his heart. Victor had been insecure - A side of him Yuuri was beginning to see more and more lately, but never failed to catch him off guard - and Yuuri had inadvertently reaffirmed his insecurity. “No, Victor, you weren’t bad at all, I was just…”

“It’s alright.” Victor sounded resigned, tired. “… I’m sorry for getting upset.”

“Vitya…” Yuuri moved under the covers until he was able to wrap his arms around his boyfriend. “I was just… anxious. It wasn’t you at all.”

Victor turned just a bit, looking over his shoulder with a sad frown. “Why?”

Yuuri scoffed. “You know how I get…”

Victor turned in Yuuri’s arms to face him. “Did I make you anxious?”

“No…” But Yuuri could barely look him in the eye, and when he did glance up, Victor didn’t look convinced. “Just… It couldn’t have been pleasant, could it?”

“What couldn’t?”

“Doing… that. On me.”

“Why not?”

Yuuri sighed, his cheeks burning. “Well, there’s a reason you’ve never done that before, with 'one of those,' right?”

Victor’s eyes searched his face. A hand came up to stroke Yuuri’s cheek. “ _Solnyshko_ … I’ve told you before. I don’t mind it.”

“You just wanted to give me something… f-for what I did for you last night.”

“No,” Victor’s tone was a bit more firm now. “I wanted to do it, because I want to make you feel good. I want to try new things with you and learn how to please you. Is that what you thought? I was doing it to get head?”

“No, no…” Yuuri shook his head. “I just… I thought you felt obligated, b-because why else would anyone in their right mind want to be around… around _that?_ ” He gestured downward.

And oh, there it was. That familiar, dark emotion bubbling up from his core. It travelled like a poison, up from the pit of his stomach, through his lungs, up his throat and into his head. It had been there through their entire encounter that night, but now it was beginning to truly manifest. Ugly thoughts about the wrongness of his body, of him, of what he had with Victor, clouded his mind. The usual mantra echoed in his head: _He’s gay, he wants a man, a real man, he wants things you can never provide him, he deserves so much more than what you have to offer. You’re shackled to this body; how cruel of you to tie him down with you. You’re disgusting; you’re oozing slime from a void where he’s left to imagine something else is. And you made him taste it._

It wasn’t until he felt hands cupping his face that he was pulled out of it. “Yuuri…?”

Yuuri blinked, realizing his eyes were wet. “Sorry.”

“Where’d you go?”

“Sorry…” He wiped his eyes.

Victor pressed a kiss to his nose. Then, with gentle pressure, he lifted Yuuri’s chin so he was forced to look him in the eye. “Is that what this is about?” Yuuri shrugged a shoulder, looking down again. “… But why didn’t you just tell me to stop if you were feeling bad?”

“Didn’t want you to know… and get worried.”

“Sweetheart…” And suddenly, Yuuri was being crushed. Arms wrapped tightly around him as Victor rolled over onto him, burying his face in his lover’s neck.

“Victor—“

“What am I here for if not to comfort you, _solnyshko?_ ” He pulled away just enough to pout down at Yuuri. “That’s what a boyfriend is for! To help you feel happy and loved and beautiful! It’s my duty!”

“Victor, I can’t breathe—“

“My sacred duty! I cannot believe you tried to deprive me of that!” He began covering Yuuri’s face with kisses. “I must make up for all the sadness I allowed to happen!”

With what little breath he had, Yuuri couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re heavy!”

“It’s all my rippling muscles,” Victor said somberly between kisses. “A blessing and a curse. Nothing I can do about it.”

“You could get off of me!”

“Not until all thoughts of you being anything less than perfect are banished from your mind!”

Yuuri groaned. “I’m going to die here.”

“Mmm…” Victor moved his kisses to Yuuri’s lips. “But what a handsome corpse you’ll leave.”

Rolling his eyes, Yuuri sighed. “I know what you’re trying to do.”

“Make sure my boyfriend knows he’s gorgeous and perfect and I love him very much?” Victor tilted his head to nuzzle his nose over Yuuri’s neck. “Guilty as charged.”

After a moment, Yuuri wrapped his arms around Victor’s back, accepting the comfort. “… You’re sweet.”

“You’re sexy.”

Yuuri huffed out a laugh. “You’re one to talk…”

“I mean it.” The Russian finally pulled back, leaning up on his elbows and looking at Yuuri with earnest eyes. “It’s not just talk for me, Yuuri. I love your body. Every part of it, every day, even when you don’t. You should know it by now.” He leaned down to kiss his boyfriend’s cheek, before whispering in his ear, “… And you taste amazing.”

Yuuri blushed, stammering. “Victor!” But before he had time to reprimand his partner for embarrassing him, Victor’s teeth were nibbling his earlobe, distracting him.

“Can I try it again?” Victor asked, his breath warm in Yuuri’s ear, making him melt.

“Um…” Yuuri licked his lips, and Victor gave him time to answer as he pressed kisses to his neck. 

It amazed him sometimes how Victor could turn his mood around. He could never fix him or the way he felt about his body, and there would always be days where Yuuri couldn’t ignore those dark emotions, but Victor had a way of distracting him like nothing ever could. Sometimes, the sheer perfectness of Victor left Yuuri emotional.

And maybe he didn’t feel like he deserved this. Maybe he never would. But for now, it was his; This moment, with Victor’s smile pressed to his jaw and eyelashes brushing his cheek with butterfly kisses, trying to make Yuuri feel beautiful and loved, was his.

Yuuri ran a hand up Victor’s back, feeling an expanse of warm, soft skin, causing a warm, soft feeling in his chest. “Maybe… Maybe another night. But um…” His legs wrapped around Victor’s waist, and he pulled away to look at him with dark eyes and a tiny smirk. “We could… um… You know.”

The grin Victor gave him lit up the dark hotel room. “Whatever you want, _lyubov moya._ I'm yours.” And he dove in for a kiss.


End file.
